Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
