Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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