I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
