I like my sex mixed with concussions.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
