Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i dont even know how to be here
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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