I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
