if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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