I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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