Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
