I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You can't just leave with hair like that
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
