Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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