My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
