when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
