Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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