He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
