his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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