If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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