she was so not down for the gang bang
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
