so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
