I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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