theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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