um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize