I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
