my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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