Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
