I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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