I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
