you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Mom said you looked used
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
