If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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