i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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