i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
