I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize