Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
