Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
