My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
