There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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