when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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