youre lurking in front of me
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
last night I used snow as a chaser
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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