drinking out of a sandbucket again
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
