I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
