I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
