Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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