have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
