omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
