So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
