Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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