I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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