Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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