i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
