I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
