I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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