the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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