I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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