Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
