Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
How does one acquire holy water?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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